Thursday, April 30, 2009

Babies

So many new babies in our lives the past few weeks...so much I feel I should be joyful about. So many people who seem to weather pregnancy and childbirthh (and thereafter) with ease and beauty and confidence and an awesome carelessness. Maybe a little less careless since they know our story, but nonethelss, you never really believe that could happen to you...unless it did.

And here I stand, motionless in a world of activity, life passing on both sides of me. I have the same memories, I look at the same pictures, I cry over the same moments...the same memories. Some days I feel that all I have is memories, a complex web of dimming and graying snapshots, of smells (the lotion I put on my belly every day) and sounds (her first cry!) and sore body parts and prayers and then Elise herself is everywhere my mind goes.

I realize I have thought about these things less and less as time goes by. Of course the reality of all that is happened is there, but I find I don't think about the details much anymore. I'm sure it is a way of protecting myself so that I may actually accomplish other tasks in a day. It is only when I write here that I allow myself to go back there and be that woman again. Be the Stephanie = awesome healthy pregnant one, Stephanie = Mom, Stephanie = grieving mother then Stephanie = trying to redefine herself and rework world view, God view.

Maybe that's why it's been a while...it's hard to go back, but necessary.

The process of 'moving on' has not been as smooth as I had thought. It doesn't necessarily get better with the passing of time. Now, it's spring, and last spring, I was pregnant. Not pregnant enough to buy maternity clothes but enough to tell our family and coworkers, enought to think about it ALL the time, enough to feel a little more confident that the miracle would come to fruition.

Ahh, I feel I am going over the same old ground again even though this is new ground! I know there is light in this darkness, I am light in this darkness, I know God has good things in store for us, there are good things now...learning to trust in the plan is the challenge.