Happy Birthday (?)

As I finish my 33rd year, I can't help but reflect on the life I've been able to make. It's crazy to think back all those years to all the things you did that you loved and hated and thought would never happen again and thought was the best day of your life...or the worst. I think of all those experiences and it's overwhelming....the first sip of a good glass of wine in Fort Wayne, the first time AJ and I held hands or fell asleep on the couch together, the first time I heard real bluegrass at Jen's wedding, sitting in an ice bath after my first 20 miler, an amazing nap on an anchored boat in Missouri, kissing Natalie's forehead for the 100th time, kissing Natalie's forehead for the last time, Mom knowing exactly what to say, the smell of Dad's cigarettes on my 21st birthday on the boats, feeling Elises's weight on my chest after she was born, reading a book that changed my life, Rocky's rough licks when there's something sticky on my face, Rocky's snores which gave us our first laugh after Elise died, hearing a song that brings you back to someplace and sometime that you thought you could never feel again, the tears that would never end...

And that's where I'm stuck today, the tears. This birthday can't be happy and that's OK. It doesn't stand alone, but in comparison to last year. I was 6 months pregnant with what seemed like only good things ahead of me...new place, new town, new job, new stuff. And now I'm here, not pregnant looking back and not ahead. Nothing is new here, I've been over the same ground many times.

So this is my unhappy birthday and it will be fine when it's over. I know I can't make it go faster or slower, it will just go, and my new year will start tomorrow.

Storms

I was sure by now
That you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen"
And it's still raining
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are
No matter where I am

And every tear I cry
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

--Casting Crowns

Saturday was stormy, both literally and figuratively. Joc and I awoke to ominous skies and a radar forcast that predicted inevitable soggy shoes for the Baltimore 10 Miler that morning. As expected, steady rain came down as we toured Baltimore's neighborhoods from the zoo to Lake Montebello and back.

The gospel this Sunday taught us the story of Jesus who calmed the stormy seas while he and his disciples were out fishing. Father continued with the metaphor of the storm and encouraged us to look at storms not as something to be avoided (impossible!) but as an opportunity for growth and character development. God wants us to depend upon him and call on him at those times and use him for strength. That reminded me of both the Casting Crowns song and a plaque I have on our dresser:

"Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. Sometimes, He lets the storm rage and calms his child."

I remember seeing that plaque so many times on my mom's dresser and it always gave me pause, and peace. Recently, she sent it to me and it continues to give me (and AJ) something to think about.

So the storm metaphor was everywhere, is everywhere, and works well for me...I feel so much that I'm still living under a rain cloud. I can't help but look at these last 9 months as rain that won't let up, darkness that won't lift. Of course I have good days, most are good, but the shadow follows. I don't know what will make that go away...I have suspicions, but I also think it's ok if it doesn't go away totally. It's part of me.

I am still learning to live with things I cannot control and that is really frustrating, maddening. Trying to plan what the next few months and years will look like with a ? in the air goes against everything my schedule/calendar believes in! Do we take that trip? Do I start training for a marathon? Do I leave that part of my work schedule open? Do I enjoy that glass of wine? I don't want to do things half-assed or not at all waiting for something that may/may not happen. I will try to keep you updated on my growth...or lack thereof.