As I finish my 33rd year, I can't help but reflect on the life I've been able to make. It's crazy to think back all those years to all the things you did that you loved and hated and thought would never happen again and thought was the best day of your life...or the worst. I think of all those experiences and it's overwhelming....the first sip of a good glass of wine in Fort Wayne, the first time AJ and I held hands or fell asleep on the couch together, the first time I heard real bluegrass at Jen's wedding, sitting in an ice bath after my first 20 miler, an amazing nap on an anchored boat in Missouri, kissing Natalie's forehead for the 100th time, kissing Natalie's forehead for the last time, Mom knowing exactly what to say, the smell of Dad's cigarettes on my 21st birthday on the boats, feeling Elises's weight on my chest after she was born, reading a book that changed my life, Rocky's rough licks when there's something sticky on my face, Rocky's snores which gave us our first laugh after Elise died, hearing a song that brings you back to someplace and sometime that you thought you could never feel again, the tears that would never end...
And that's where I'm stuck today, the tears. This birthday can't be happy and that's OK. It doesn't stand alone, but in comparison to last year. I was 6 months pregnant with what seemed like only good things ahead of me...new place, new town, new job, new stuff. And now I'm here, not pregnant looking back and not ahead. Nothing is new here, I've been over the same ground many times.
So this is my unhappy birthday and it will be fine when it's over. I know I can't make it go faster or slower, it will just go, and my new year will start tomorrow.
3 comments:
Dear Stephanie,
I wish this were a better birthday..the one you had hoped for last year... the one everyone who loves you wanted you to have.
I wish I could make the pain go away. However, to wish it would go away is not to have experienced your child's touch, your enormous capacity to love Elise and your wonderful and caring husband, family and friends who came together during those tragic days last October and beyond.
I remember holding you as the precious baby of my dearest friend. I thought how blest your mother was and still is to have a daughter as wonderful as you.
Remember your 12th birthday (I think) when your mother had all those balloons delivered to the house on Burley Avenue? In front of everyone at the party, your mom said that you were the best thing thing had ever happened to her. You still are.
Love and Happy Birthday, Judy
Big hugs to you.
I love you. mama
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