Thursday, April 30, 2009

Babies

So many new babies in our lives the past few weeks...so much I feel I should be joyful about. So many people who seem to weather pregnancy and childbirthh (and thereafter) with ease and beauty and confidence and an awesome carelessness. Maybe a little less careless since they know our story, but nonethelss, you never really believe that could happen to you...unless it did.

And here I stand, motionless in a world of activity, life passing on both sides of me. I have the same memories, I look at the same pictures, I cry over the same moments...the same memories. Some days I feel that all I have is memories, a complex web of dimming and graying snapshots, of smells (the lotion I put on my belly every day) and sounds (her first cry!) and sore body parts and prayers and then Elise herself is everywhere my mind goes.

I realize I have thought about these things less and less as time goes by. Of course the reality of all that is happened is there, but I find I don't think about the details much anymore. I'm sure it is a way of protecting myself so that I may actually accomplish other tasks in a day. It is only when I write here that I allow myself to go back there and be that woman again. Be the Stephanie = awesome healthy pregnant one, Stephanie = Mom, Stephanie = grieving mother then Stephanie = trying to redefine herself and rework world view, God view.

Maybe that's why it's been a while...it's hard to go back, but necessary.

The process of 'moving on' has not been as smooth as I had thought. It doesn't necessarily get better with the passing of time. Now, it's spring, and last spring, I was pregnant. Not pregnant enough to buy maternity clothes but enough to tell our family and coworkers, enought to think about it ALL the time, enough to feel a little more confident that the miracle would come to fruition.

Ahh, I feel I am going over the same old ground again even though this is new ground! I know there is light in this darkness, I am light in this darkness, I know God has good things in store for us, there are good things now...learning to trust in the plan is the challenge.

4 comments:

shey said...

hugs to you and AJ. We miss your little Elise more than words can say.

Anonymous said...

We love you, Stephie and AJ! May you continue to be your own lights for yourselves and for each other from now on.

Anonymous said...

Dear Stephanie,

I have been thinking about you this month and not sure what to say on Mother's Day. I could not find an appropriate card, but you deserve one.

I believe Mother's Day honors birth and adoptive mothers, foster mothers and caregivers, those who nuture other peoples' children and those who nuture our planet.

I honor you as the loving mother of a beautiful little girl. I remember Elise, not because she died, but because she lived.

My thoughts and prayers join with yours this Mother's Day. May God bless and wrap AJ, you and Elise is his infinite love. Judy

Anonymous said...

Dear AJ and Stephanie, We've been thinking of you both as Mother's Day approaches. A difficult time for so many reasons. Our mom's have been gone for 26 and 25 years but we think of them often and it certainly doesn't seem like it's been so long. We think of you all the time and hope that you are doing well. "Well" is a relative term. As we prepare for the Hilton Head meeting we remember the excitement we shared of going to the meeting and the count down for so many things...fellowship graduation, moving, baby showers, new jobs and your new baby. You both were the best parents any baby could have been blessed to have and we're sorry that your role was so abruptly interrupted. As always you and Elise are in our thoughts and prayers, but especially on the difficult days (holidays, birthdays) when you have the good and sad memories but you don't have what you had hoped for more than almost anything and that is your little girl in your arms. We miss you and love you both. Linda and Joe