This weekend has been difficult for me. Just when I think I'm doing so well, feeling so strong, I'm brought to tears and once again realize the depths of this pain, of our loss. I learned that my cousin is having a baby girl...that was so difficult for me to hear. Of course I love her and I'm so happy for her, but this knowledge has touched me in a painful place and I'm not sure why. Is it because, so recently, I had a girl who was supposed to be THAT girl, the one our family was so excited about after a string of boys? Is it because I feel that once this new girl comes, Elise is no longer needed, no longer missed? Is it because it is one less reason for others around me to be happy and leave me in my sadness alone?
(I can't believe how selfish that is.
But I will never be the same. It will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. The old me is gone. Who was she?)
Everyone talked about how hard the holidays would be. But we were busy and went to parties and traveled and saw our families. Now all that is over and we're still here. The long winter is ahead and my 33rd year and oh I am not getting younger and this thought is with me all the time. Somehow, I will figure out how to be OK with this. Or maybe it will never be OK but it is my life.
Thank you for listening to me, for giving me time and space...and love.
8 comments:
Oh, Stephie! I am so sorry to hear you feeling so upset, but I'm so glad you shared it with us. We will all *always* love and need and miss Elise, just as we will all *always* love and need and treasure you. I sure wish I could squeeze myself through this internet connection to Baltimore and give you a great big hug. Love you so! --Rosie
Rosy is right. Elise was the sweetest pea. We won't forget her. We have pictures, but we will also see her in you and AJ in many new and special ways over the many decades of our friendship to come. She changed you forever, but we know that she came for her mommy and daddy to make them the amazing people they are. We love and miss you so much.
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I think that there are times that it is okay to feel a but selfish.
Praying for you and your family.
I'm so sorry you're feeling upset, and yet I think it's totally normal and part of this wretched process you guys have to deal with. My heart is heavy for you guys...but I have hope that you will have peace in your lives in time.
Hi Stephanie,
It takes time to feel strong enough and healed enough to attend celebrations of others' joy. You want to be true to your feelings.
After losing Elise, you became part of a kinship of human beings who have experienced life altering tragedy. Draw on the strength of those who have shared their personal grief. Know that time does yield a different perspective that is not as raw and stinging.
If you were not such a loving person, your sorrow would not be as deep as it is.
I loved spending time with you when you were a little girl and am so proud of the wonderful woman you have become. The world is a better place for you being here, Stephanie.
My love to you and A.J and to your mama,too. Judy
First of all, you are not selfish. You are a grieving mother and unfortunately we are constantly filled with conflicting emotions and the "what ifs" and "what should have beens." Be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you.
Amanda
Forever missing Gavin
Stephanie, I did not think of looking at this blog until Judy made a comment. Fitting perhaps, because the season of your grief beautifully matches today's midwest brutal cold winter. I am knitting a scarf for you, a small defense against winter's cold, just as my love is such a small defense against your pain.
Elise was loved and honored in her brief life; she will never be forgotten. As someone said, she was the sweetest pea. You and AJ will always have her with you.
Be selfish, be sad, be honest. I love you every step of the way.
mama
Hi Steph,
She is beautiful. I am very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Just wanted you to know I am listening and thinking of you during this difficult time.
Love,
Nikki Eklund
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