Four months ago Elise was alive. Even more than the day she was born and the day she died, this time period each month, between the 3rd and the 7th, has been a time of great reflection for me. It's not disintegrating into tears or not wanting to get out of bed as it was in the beginning, but I look at her pictures a little longer and think about what it would like to be a mom to her on Earth. Our nursery is still as it was before she was born, everything in it's place. It's a wonderful room, a quiet, clean and warm place and I'm trying not to feel like a weirdo for still wanting it all put together. But, it doesn't give me pain to go there. Rocky likes the soft comforter and I like the peace. It's her room and it makes me sad and it makes me happy but overall I think it's a good place for us to see everyday as we walk to our office. To recognize all that we've lost, to remember it IS real, that WAS us and it's gone but that's our life. That's the path we are supposed to walk.
The nursery makes me want to be a mom to another baby on Earth, too. Sure, those desires cause me some guilt since my energies are not on Elise. She is amazing, our daughter, but as important as those 4 days are to us, they don't go very far when I think of all the love we want to give and the experiences we long to have. I think she would be OK with it.
I have been trying to talk more with God and it's amazing how much I have to say. When I started to make these conversations less formal and more of a chit chat, the words just kept coming. There is so much to pray for, so many people and so much pain...and so much hope. I am trying to believe that these conversations with God make a difference in the world, not just a difference in my head. I am trying to believe that, aside from our free will and human-ness, he intervenes for or acts upon us and changes us. I don't like thinking that my words dissapate as they leave my mouth and that is their end...I feel like I'm too smart to believe in something like that. At least, I hope I am.
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3 comments:
Stephanie,
The 3rd-7th are all of Gavin's significant dates as well. As the months have gone by, the tears that used to fill these days now have become me trying to recall all of our memories and moments with him. It will continue to change for you, but I wanted you to know that I know just how difficult these days can be.
I am glad that Elise's nursery brings you comfort. I still have Gavin's crib, dresser, and rocker in his room. I still draw comfort by spending time in there as well.
I continue to pray for you and your family. Take care.
Amanda
Dave and I have been thinking of you guys as we acknowledged Elise's 'dates' last week. We go back and forth all the time on whether it seems like just yesterday, or much more than 4 little months.
I love that Rocky loves her nursery...doesnt that just say it all?
love you guys.
Stephanie, I just want to let you know how grateful I am for Amanda and Shey. They are both faithful blog-people; that is a grace.
Your entry pleases me since it shows your ability to make your unique grief a part of your life, but with the freedom to move on. I bless you and AJ for the courage you both had and continue to have in embracing everything this tough experience has served up for you.
My love is here for you both, all the time. mama
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